Someone to Talk To Q&A

Ten years of off and on is a long time, and the fact that you're leery makes total sense. You've heard "I've changed" before, probably more than once. Here's the thing: what he says in a message is the easy part. Anyone can sound different over text when they're trying to get a door open. The real test isn't coffee. It's what happens the first time you two disagree about something small. That's usually where the old pattern shows up. So can you believe him? You can believe he *means* it right now. Meaning it and being able to do it are different things, though. Coffee is actually a pretty low-stakes way to find out. You don't have to decide anything about the relationship. Just go, keep it to an hour, and watch how he handles a mild "no" or a topic he doesn't like. That'll tell you more than anything he says. And you're allowed to be cautious the whole time. Cautious isn't cold. It's just smart after ten years.

Ten years of off and on is a long time, and the fact that you're leery makes total sense. You've heard "I've changed" before, probably more than once. Here's the thing: what he says in a message is the easy part. Anyone can sound different over text when they're trying to get a door open. The real test isn't coffee. It's what happens the first time you two disagree about something small. That's usually where the old pattern shows up. So can you believe him? You can believe he *means* it right now. Meaning it and being able to do it are different things, though. Coffee is actually a pretty low-stakes way to find out. You don't have to decide anything about the relationship. Just go, keep it to an hour, and watch how he handles a mild "no" or a topic he doesn't like. That'll tell you more than anything he says. And you're allowed to be cautious the whole time. Cautious isn't cold. It's just smart after ten years.

You sound tired of watching the same thing happen every season. That's a reasonable thing to be tired of. Here's what I'd offer. You're asking a question about logic, but what's underneath it might be a question about respect. When you build up your core people, you're investing in them. Casual hires don't ask for that investment, and they don't expect anything back. Some outfits find that easier to run, even when it works worse. That doesn't mean it's right. It means the reasoning isn't about you or the crew. It's about what's simplest to manage from a desk. What would you want to happen, if someone actually listened?

You sound tired of watching the same thing happen every season. That's a reasonable thing to be tired of. Here's what I'd offer. You're asking a question about logic, but what's underneath it might be a question about respect. When you build up your core people, you're investing in them. Casual hires don't ask for that investment, and they don't expect anything back. Some outfits find that easier to run, even when it works worse. That doesn't mean it's right. It means the reasoning isn't about you or the crew. It's about what's simplest to manage from a desk. What would you want to happen, if someone actually listened?

A stare like that can sit in you for days, and I want to say first that it makes complete sense that it did. Being looked at and not knowing what it meant is unsettling. Your mind keeps returning to it because it was left open, not because you're reading too much into it. Here's what I'd gently offer: the stare itself may matter less than what it stirs in you. Does it feel flattering? Uncomfortable? Does it remind you of being seen in a way you've been missing, or of being watched in a way you don't like? Those reactions are worth more than guessing at his head. You don't have to decide what he meant to trust what you felt.

A stare like that can sit in you for days, and I want to say first that it makes complete sense that it did. Being looked at and not knowing what it meant is unsettling. Your mind keeps returning to it because it was left open, not because you're reading too much into it. Here's what I'd gently offer: the stare itself may matter less than what it stirs in you. Does it feel flattering? Uncomfortable? Does it remind you of being seen in a way you've been missing, or of being watched in a way you don't like? Those reactions are worth more than guessing at his head. You don't have to decide what he meant to trust what you felt.

Separate the two problems before you borrow a cent. Cleaning and painting a roof is cosmetic. It will not stop a leak. A fresh coat over a failing roof just hides the water for a season, and leaks get dearer every month you ignore them: rot, ceiling, insulation, the lot. So find out whether that $5,000 fixes the leak or only makes the roof look better. Pay for a proper inspection first. It is cheap, and it could change the whole plan, because stopping the water protects your value far more than paint ever will. On funding, cheapest first. A top-up on the home loan is the lowest rate you will get, but you carry it for decades, so pay a little extra each month. A personal loan costs more but ends sooner, and you already have a car loan riding on you. Skip the card. Twenty percent on a roof is how $5,000 quietly becomes $8,000. And decide this with whoever shares that house. Money worry is one of the quietest ways two people drift apart.

Separate the two problems before you borrow a cent. Cleaning and painting a roof is cosmetic. It will not stop a leak. A fresh coat over a failing roof just hides the water for a season, and leaks get dearer every month you ignore them: rot, ceiling, insulation, the lot. So find out whether that $5,000 fixes the leak or only makes the roof look better. Pay for a proper inspection first. It is cheap, and it could change the whole plan, because stopping the water protects your value far more than paint ever will. On funding, cheapest first. A top-up on the home loan is the lowest rate you will get, but you carry it for decades, so pay a little extra each month. A personal loan costs more but ends sooner, and you already have a car loan riding on you. Skip the card. Twenty percent on a roof is how $5,000 quietly becomes $8,000. And decide this with whoever shares that house. Money worry is one of the quietest ways two people drift apart.

You were watching him closely. That's not foolish, and it isn't chasing. What you saw was a man working hard to look fine. The exaggerated "having fun." The fist bump that turned into a grab. You caught it, because you were paying attention. Here's the quieter thing. He showed up. You fed him, gave him a hard time about his food, showed him your costume. That's an ordinary afternoon between two people who aren't talking. Nothing in it has to be solved tonight. Not chasing doesn't mean closing your eyes. It means letting him come to you, and he did. Let that be enough for now. You don't have to translate every look he gave you.

You were watching him closely. That's not foolish, and it isn't chasing. What you saw was a man working hard to look fine. The exaggerated "having fun." The fist bump that turned into a grab. You caught it, because you were paying attention. Here's the quieter thing. He showed up. You fed him, gave him a hard time about his food, showed him your costume. That's an ordinary afternoon between two people who aren't talking. Nothing in it has to be solved tonight. Not chasing doesn't mean closing your eyes. It means letting him come to you, and he did. Let that be enough for now. You don't have to translate every look he gave you.

The tell in your letter isn't the advice. It's the annoyance when other people do well. That's not a woman with strong opinions, that's someone keeping score. Handing out instructions is how she stays one rung up on everyone, and "well, what's that got to do with me?" is how she steps out of anything that might actually cost her something back. So does she grieve the lost friendships? Not the way you'd hope. She probably feels the ending as unfair and files it as proof that people are thin-skinned and can't handle honesty. That version of the story protects her, which means nothing about her behaviour shifts. You may quietly get upgraded from friend to former friend without her ever wondering why. You're allowed to fade a bit. Answer less, offer less, let her be annoyed about it. If you want to be straight with her once, "I'm not after advice on this one" will show you what kind of friendship it really is.

The tell in your letter isn't the advice. It's the annoyance when other people do well. That's not a woman with strong opinions, that's someone keeping score. Handing out instructions is how she stays one rung up on everyone, and "well, what's that got to do with me?" is how she steps out of anything that might actually cost her something back. So does she grieve the lost friendships? Not the way you'd hope. She probably feels the ending as unfair and files it as proof that people are thin-skinned and can't handle honesty. That version of the story protects her, which means nothing about her behaviour shifts. You may quietly get upgraded from friend to former friend without her ever wondering why. You're allowed to fade a bit. Answer less, offer less, let her be annoyed about it. If you want to be straight with her once, "I'm not after advice on this one" will show you what kind of friendship it really is.

Nobody can read a man's private fantasies from the outside, so anything I say about what Sylvester pictures is a hypothesis, not a fact. Behavior, though, leaves a trail, and it's usually clearer than people expect. Watch three things. Does he volunteer, or only comply when asked? Desire moves toward things unprompted. Does he linger, or treat it as a doorway to something else? Duty rushes; interest stays and pays attention. And does he watch your reactions, or perform for his own sense of doing it well? Giving that's wanted looks like curiosity about you, not technique. The honest part: the fact that you're asking suggests something already feels absent. Trust the pattern over the hope. If you want to know, say it plainly and watch what his face does before he answers.

Nobody can read a man's private fantasies from the outside, so anything I say about what Sylvester pictures is a hypothesis, not a fact. Behavior, though, leaves a trail, and it's usually clearer than people expect. Watch three things. Does he volunteer, or only comply when asked? Desire moves toward things unprompted. Does he linger, or treat it as a doorway to something else? Duty rushes; interest stays and pays attention. And does he watch your reactions, or perform for his own sense of doing it well? Giving that's wanted looks like curiosity about you, not technique. The honest part: the fact that you're asking suggests something already feels absent. Trust the pattern over the hope. If you want to know, say it plainly and watch what his face does before he answers.

Mixed signals aren't a riddle. A man who turns his head gently and then comes in the rest of the way is taking the affection without the commitment. He wants the warmth, not the cost. And a complaint that lands a week later wasn't a dealbreaker he just discovered. It was something he held onto until he needed a reason. That's an exit dressed up as feedback. Here's the harder part. "We were meant to be together" is the belief keeping you stuck, not the evidence. If he knew it the way you say he does, he'd be standing next to you. He isn't. You're doing the math for two people. And you don't wait to feel ready before walking away. Feelings lag behind decisions by months. What you're calling a connection you can't pull away from is attachment, and attachment loosens with distance, not willpower. Stop relitigating the kiss. Look at who showed up after it.

Mixed signals aren't a riddle. A man who turns his head gently and then comes in the rest of the way is taking the affection without the commitment. He wants the warmth, not the cost. And a complaint that lands a week later wasn't a dealbreaker he just discovered. It was something he held onto until he needed a reason. That's an exit dressed up as feedback. Here's the harder part. "We were meant to be together" is the belief keeping you stuck, not the evidence. If he knew it the way you say he does, he'd be standing next to you. He isn't. You're doing the math for two people. And you don't wait to feel ready before walking away. Feelings lag behind decisions by months. What you're calling a connection you can't pull away from is attachment, and attachment loosens with distance, not willpower. Stop relitigating the kiss. Look at who showed up after it.

His words are all over the place. Two different exes in one breath, and everyone around you hearing the same fishy note you're hearing. That's worth trusting. But notice what isn't scattered. He hugged you hard and kissed you. Then again last night. His mouth is confused; his hands aren't. When someone's talking is a mess and their actions are steady, believe the actions. And notice the cost, too. You're the one piecing his stories together, asking around, sitting with the unsure feeling afterward. That's a real weight. You already said the honest thing out loud: the wedding-band situation won't work, because he's not that man. That was you being straight with yourself, not just him. So before the next kiss, settle one thing privately. Not what he means. What you want. Then let your answer be as steady as his hands were.

His words are all over the place. Two different exes in one breath, and everyone around you hearing the same fishy note you're hearing. That's worth trusting. But notice what isn't scattered. He hugged you hard and kissed you. Then again last night. His mouth is confused; his hands aren't. When someone's talking is a mess and their actions are steady, believe the actions. And notice the cost, too. You're the one piecing his stories together, asking around, sitting with the unsure feeling afterward. That's a real weight. You already said the honest thing out loud: the wedding-band situation won't work, because he's not that man. That was you being straight with yourself, not just him. So before the next kiss, settle one thing privately. Not what he means. What you want. Then let your answer be as steady as his hands were.

You sound certain that thirty minutes holds something. Maybe it does. But notice what the story is built on: a gap in a schedule, filled in alone, probably more than once, late at night. Arriving early at a soup kitchen is one of the least suspicious things a person can do. That doesn't mean your gut is wrong. It means the certainty isn't coming from the facts, so it's worth asking where it is coming from. Often it's older than this relationship. Usually it's a time you trusted someone and it didn't hold. Curiosity and surveillance are different roads, and only one of them leaves the relationship intact. The way through is a sentence, not a search: "I've been feeling anxious when you leave early, and I'd rather tell you than sit with it alone." Plain as that. You're allowed to want reassurance. Ask for it out loud before you go hunting for it.

You sound certain that thirty minutes holds something. Maybe it does. But notice what the story is built on: a gap in a schedule, filled in alone, probably more than once, late at night. Arriving early at a soup kitchen is one of the least suspicious things a person can do. That doesn't mean your gut is wrong. It means the certainty isn't coming from the facts, so it's worth asking where it is coming from. Often it's older than this relationship. Usually it's a time you trusted someone and it didn't hold. Curiosity and surveillance are different roads, and only one of them leaves the relationship intact. The way through is a sentence, not a search: "I've been feeling anxious when you leave early, and I'd rather tell you than sit with it alone." Plain as that. You're allowed to want reassurance. Ask for it out loud before you go hunting for it.

The scared part deserves a second look, mostly because that's the heaviest thing you're carrying right now, and it isn't even the number. It's the waiting. Your brain keeps rehearsing his reaction on a loop, and rehearsing is more exhausting than the actual day usually turns out to be. So you don't have to settle this today. Change it or don't, but notice the deciding has already been sitting on you a lot longer than the doing will. Then plan for the after. Not his reaction, yours. The first quiet week can feel weirdly flat, even a little sad, and that flatness talks people into thinking they did something wrong. They didn't. It's just a habit going silent. Day one, do something small and kind for yourself, and message the people whose replies you actually look forward to from the new number. You're allowed to want quiet.

The scared part deserves a second look, mostly because that's the heaviest thing you're carrying right now, and it isn't even the number. It's the waiting. Your brain keeps rehearsing his reaction on a loop, and rehearsing is more exhausting than the actual day usually turns out to be. So you don't have to settle this today. Change it or don't, but notice the deciding has already been sitting on you a lot longer than the doing will. Then plan for the after. Not his reaction, yours. The first quiet week can feel weirdly flat, even a little sad, and that flatness talks people into thinking they did something wrong. They didn't. It's just a habit going silent. Day one, do something small and kind for yourself, and message the people whose replies you actually look forward to from the new number. You're allowed to want quiet.

Wanting to be someone's only, wanting to be sure, that doesn't make you delusional. It makes you someone whose heart is all in. You are not too much for needing clarity. But look at how much of your day goes into decoding kc. Feeling for where they stand. That's real work, and you're allowed to be tired of it. You've been holding this question open largely alone, and that's a lonely way to love somebody. Certainty isn't something you can scavenge hard enough to find. Real love doesn't turn you into a detective. It arrives plainly, and you rest in it instead of studying it. So the question isn't whether you're crazy. It's whether this is feeding you or draining you. You're allowed to want a love that doesn't leave you guessing. A permanent maybe is too small a thing to build a heart around. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself tonight.

Wanting to be someone's only, wanting to be sure, that doesn't make you delusional. It makes you someone whose heart is all in. You are not too much for needing clarity. But look at how much of your day goes into decoding kc. Feeling for where they stand. That's real work, and you're allowed to be tired of it. You've been holding this question open largely alone, and that's a lonely way to love somebody. Certainty isn't something you can scavenge hard enough to find. Real love doesn't turn you into a detective. It arrives plainly, and you rest in it instead of studying it. So the question isn't whether you're crazy. It's whether this is feeding you or draining you. You're allowed to want a love that doesn't leave you guessing. A permanent maybe is too small a thing to build a heart around. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself tonight.

Fifty-nine, on a minesite, swimming three times a week. That's not a fragile person who just got handed a setback. That's decades of proof your body responds when you treat it well. And notice what you did. You didn't stop. You traded freestyle for breaststroke and kept showing up. That instinct to adapt instead of quit is exactly what will see you through this. The disappointment is real, and I won't talk you out of it. It stings because it touches something you've built your identity around. Feeling that doesn't make you weak. To your question: yes, small tendon tears are treatable, and the plan is usually far less dramatic than the fear. Bring your job with you, though. Tell the doctor and the physio what driving trucks and manual labour demand of that shoulder. Rehab designed for a desk worker won't fit your life. Write your questions down before you go in. You've got this one too.

Fifty-nine, on a minesite, swimming three times a week. That's not a fragile person who just got handed a setback. That's decades of proof your body responds when you treat it well. And notice what you did. You didn't stop. You traded freestyle for breaststroke and kept showing up. That instinct to adapt instead of quit is exactly what will see you through this. The disappointment is real, and I won't talk you out of it. It stings because it touches something you've built your identity around. Feeling that doesn't make you weak. To your question: yes, small tendon tears are treatable, and the plan is usually far less dramatic than the fear. Bring your job with you, though. Tell the doctor and the physio what driving trucks and manual labour demand of that shoulder. Rehab designed for a desk worker won't fit your life. Write your questions down before you go in. You've got this one too.

He's probably not thinking about you the way you're thinking about you. That's what happens when you're caught in the loop. You're watching yourself from the outside, checking every angle. Most people aren't doing that with you. They're just in the room with you. Wanting to know what someone thinks of you is usually less about him and more about some part of you that's braced, waiting to be found out. That part makes sense. It got built somewhere along the way. And weird. The people worth keeping tend to like the specific thing, not the smoothed-over version of you. You don't have to settle this tonight. Next time you're together, try noticing one true thing about the moment instead of watching yourself inside it. That's start enough.

He's probably not thinking about you the way you're thinking about you. That's what happens when you're caught in the loop. You're watching yourself from the outside, checking every angle. Most people aren't doing that with you. They're just in the room with you. Wanting to know what someone thinks of you is usually less about him and more about some part of you that's braced, waiting to be found out. That part makes sense. It got built somewhere along the way. And weird. The people worth keeping tend to like the specific thing, not the smoothed-over version of you. You don't have to settle this tonight. Next time you're together, try noticing one true thing about the moment instead of watching yourself inside it. That's start enough.

Why you were placed with him has a boring answer — that part was logistics, not choreography. The interesting question is why he landed the way he did. Attention works like a tuning fork: once it's been struck by a particular chord, it rings at that frequency for years afterward. And what's ringing here probably isn't his face or his laugh. It's the leaving. The man who wouldn't step up was always partly on his way out. This one is too, on paper and soon in fact. That's worth separating from wishful thinking. Fondness for someone whose chapter closed, with no pull to reopen it, isn't unfinished business. It's a wound that healed straight. What you're feeling isn't longing replaying itself; it's your pattern-reader doing its job, and doing it accurately. Enjoy the echo. You don't have to follow it. When he goes, let him go quietly.

Why you were placed with him has a boring answer — that part was logistics, not choreography. The interesting question is why he landed the way he did. Attention works like a tuning fork: once it's been struck by a particular chord, it rings at that frequency for years afterward. And what's ringing here probably isn't his face or his laugh. It's the leaving. The man who wouldn't step up was always partly on his way out. This one is too, on paper and soon in fact. That's worth separating from wishful thinking. Fondness for someone whose chapter closed, with no pull to reopen it, isn't unfinished business. It's a wound that healed straight. What you're feeling isn't longing replaying itself; it's your pattern-reader doing its job, and doing it accurately. Enjoy the echo. You don't have to follow it. When he goes, let him go quietly.

Take "nothing in particular" at face value. That's not a riddle, it's the read. A guy who's into you has something specific in his head: a thing you said, when he'll see you next, whether you're free Saturday. Not a fog. Fog means you're background right now, not a priority. That's not cruel, it's useful. Stop mining his silence for hidden meaning. The vagueness is the message. One caveat, because it matters: some guys are low-effort over text and show it in person. If he lights up around you and makes real plans, he's present, just not a words guy. If he's foggy in person too, you have your answer. Go by actions over the next few weeks, not his inner monologue. If he plans, shows up, follows through, he cares. If you're the only one keeping it alive, you've got your read. Trust it.

Take "nothing in particular" at face value. That's not a riddle, it's the read. A guy who's into you has something specific in his head: a thing you said, when he'll see you next, whether you're free Saturday. Not a fog. Fog means you're background right now, not a priority. That's not cruel, it's useful. Stop mining his silence for hidden meaning. The vagueness is the message. One caveat, because it matters: some guys are low-effort over text and show it in person. If he lights up around you and makes real plans, he's present, just not a words guy. If he's foggy in person too, you have your answer. Go by actions over the next few weeks, not his inner monologue. If he plans, shows up, follows through, he cares. If you're the only one keeping it alive, you've got your read. Trust it.

Dinner where a guy opens up about an ex who treated him badly isn't small talk. That's him deciding you're safe enough to be unpolished with, which usually means he's interested and it's moved past surface level. The part that matters is how he tells it. If the whole story is "she was awful, I did nothing wrong," slow down. That's the version that repeats. If he owns even a sliver of why he stayed, that's a man who's learned something. You wondered how he lasted so long with her. Sometimes it's love, sometimes it's a guy who doesn't know his own boundaries yet. Your school plans coming up in the same night means he's running the math on logistics, not just passing time. Don't sentence the whole thing based on one dinner. Watch the next few weeks. Does he follow up, make plans, keep showing up? That settles what a good conversation can't.

Dinner where a guy opens up about an ex who treated him badly isn't small talk. That's him deciding you're safe enough to be unpolished with, which usually means he's interested and it's moved past surface level. The part that matters is how he tells it. If the whole story is "she was awful, I did nothing wrong," slow down. That's the version that repeats. If he owns even a sliver of why he stayed, that's a man who's learned something. You wondered how he lasted so long with her. Sometimes it's love, sometimes it's a guy who doesn't know his own boundaries yet. Your school plans coming up in the same night means he's running the math on logistics, not just passing time. Don't sentence the whole thing based on one dinner. Watch the next few weeks. Does he follow up, make plans, keep showing up? That settles what a good conversation can't.

Watch when Nigel starts directing traffic. It's rarely during a clean handover. It's when the plan is fuzzy and nobody owns the next step. He steps into that gap, and gaps make some people itch. Orders are how they scratch. Two readings fit. One: uncertainty is intolerable to him, so he converts it into instructions. Two: work may be the one room where he feels necessary. Hence the no-life look. Possibly true. Not yours to repair. Here's the part about you. His show runs on reaction. Even the shared "what an idiot" look is attention, and attention is his food. If it costs you nothing, treat him like weather and stop supplying. If it costs you something real, say one sentence once, then let it die. You can read a person without adopting him. That's where the sting goes.

Watch when Nigel starts directing traffic. It's rarely during a clean handover. It's when the plan is fuzzy and nobody owns the next step. He steps into that gap, and gaps make some people itch. Orders are how they scratch. Two readings fit. One: uncertainty is intolerable to him, so he converts it into instructions. Two: work may be the one room where he feels necessary. Hence the no-life look. Possibly true. Not yours to repair. Here's the part about you. His show runs on reaction. Even the shared "what an idiot" look is attention, and attention is his food. If it costs you nothing, treat him like weather and stop supplying. If it costs you something real, say one sentence once, then let it die. You can read a person without adopting him. That's where the sting goes.

Honestly? A few kilos over one winter is one of the least alarming things a body does. Winter is long, dark early, and full of food that hugs back. Everyone's jeans get a bit honest around February. The number you asked for, I'll leave alone. Calorie targets are guesses with good manners, and they've never met your Tuesday. Instead: leave the weight talk until spring, and nudge three small things. Early daylight when you can, even ten minutes. A short walk after your biggest meal. Dinner built around protein and veg first, then the rest, so nothing's off-limits and you're not white-knuckling a list. If you're curious, jot loosely what you eat for two weeks. Not judging, just looking. Patterns show up fast. Fifty-nine isn't a cliff. It's just the year the autopilot deserves a glance.

Honestly? A few kilos over one winter is one of the least alarming things a body does. Winter is long, dark early, and full of food that hugs back. Everyone's jeans get a bit honest around February. The number you asked for, I'll leave alone. Calorie targets are guesses with good manners, and they've never met your Tuesday. Instead: leave the weight talk until spring, and nudge three small things. Early daylight when you can, even ten minutes. A short walk after your biggest meal. Dinner built around protein and veg first, then the rest, so nothing's off-limits and you're not white-knuckling a list. If you're curious, jot loosely what you eat for two weeks. Not judging, just looking. Patterns show up fast. Fifty-nine isn't a cliff. It's just the year the autopilot deserves a glance.

Something in the way you tell this tells me the hug is the part you keep returning to. Not the kiss. The arms around you, and the fact that he said it was always nice. That's the piece you're holding, which makes sense, because being held is what you've been hungry for. He gave you something real, and he also drew a line. Both can be true. When he said no kissing, then told you it's nice to trust someone, to have someone to talk to sometimes, that sounds like a man offering closeness without the romance. Not a game. Just his actual shape right now. The ache isn't really about him, I think. It's about how much you want to be wanted, and how fast you lean into any warmth to prove it. That's worth sitting with. The hug was real. Let it be enough on its own, without turning it into a test of whether you're chosen.

Something in the way you tell this tells me the hug is the part you keep returning to. Not the kiss. The arms around you, and the fact that he said it was always nice. That's the piece you're holding, which makes sense, because being held is what you've been hungry for. He gave you something real, and he also drew a line. Both can be true. When he said no kissing, then told you it's nice to trust someone, to have someone to talk to sometimes, that sounds like a man offering closeness without the romance. Not a game. Just his actual shape right now. The ache isn't really about him, I think. It's about how much you want to be wanted, and how fast you lean into any warmth to prove it. That's worth sitting with. The hug was real. Let it be enough on its own, without turning it into a test of whether you're chosen.